I'm missing
by seen my head
Summary: It's funny when all you've been looking for has always beem infront of you.
1. Chapter 1

It's funny when all you've ever wanted, all you've been searching has always been under your nose. You feel stupid when you realize you've wasted so much time looking for something that has always been in your reach. You just had to grab onto it and it would have been yours.

sometimes I wonder how could I not notice what I had in front of me but then again I wasn't putting to much attention at the time, I was too wrapped in my own drama to notice anything but me. I guess it needed to be this way so I could really value everything I have.

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When we move to L.A I had a lot of trouble adapting myself to the new environment everything I knew was swept away from me and I had this new world where everything was going faster. I felt so left out like I didn't fit anywhere not even with my family.

My family, they adapted so easy to the change that I felt like I didn't belong with them either. Mom and Dad found good and challenging jobs, they had less time but they made the most out of it. Glen hit it off at school he was popular instantly just like he was back home, basket ball team and everything even Clay made some friends in his first week.

I do have friends, well people I hang out, mostly the cheerleader squat and Glen's friends. I'm not as popular as Glen but I'm not an outcast either. I just don't feel like I fit in. sometimes I hang out with Clay and his friends they are a lot cooler than the cheerleaders, you know in that "we are real people not plastic manufactured Barbies and Kens" sort of way. It's actually refreshing when i hang with them.

And it doesn't help either that lately I been feeling kind of off with the guys I've dated. Sometimes all I want is to disappear that way I wouldn't have to deal with everything going around me. Sometimes I know why I feel this way but days like today I just don't wanna even acknowledge it. I'm still on the edge when all you want is to jump into the unknown but you're still too scared to do it on your own.

I mean how in the hell am I supposed to deal with everyone expectations being crushed. I've always done what I was supposed to do. But right know I feel that if I don't do this little thing for myself and instead just please everyone else I might just explode this time.

Life was so much easier when I was ten, I didn't had to worry about society and it's stupid rules. I'm so scared, I know what some of my family is gonna say and I'm not prepared to fight for me. I'm afraid of what my mom is gonna say if she founds out I'm...I'm... ggg... gay! i hate my life


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: there's a bit of spangs but not for long cos I'm a hardcore spashley fan! save spashley!!

disclaimer: I do not own South of Nowhere.

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Today was good and bad all at the same time. It was good because this cute girl from my art class flirted with me, her name is Carmen and it was bad because I totally flirted back with her. I'm driving myself nuts, every time something like that happens I see my mother's face red with rage kicking me out the house. She is a bit on the strictly catholic side. Scary I know!

So I was in my room laying in my bed just thinking about Carmen when Clay knocked on my door and asked me if i wanted to watch a couple of movies with him and his friends downstairs. I love this nights with his friends. i don't feel so left out because they are all so different. Sometimes i wonder how can they be friends, they have zero in common but they are cool.

There's Chelsea with her artsy stuff all sweet and kind. i love her paintings, she is so talented and she so totally has the hots for Clay. It's actually kind of creepy how she gets all googley eyes for Clay when she thinks no one is looking. And Sean with his witty remarks and indie knowledge. he so smart, he would give Clay a run for his money. sometimes I get the feeling he is friends with Clay because he is the only one who can keep a discussion with him for long. And Ashley (dude she is so hot!) and her I'm too cool vibe. she is the weirdest of them all and the school dyke. I hate when I hear those comments in the hall it just makes me feel so hated even thought they are not directed towards me. I don't know how she deals with it everyday. she is on the weird side too, she doesn't even hang with them at school but she is here almost everyday. If I didn't know she was gay and that Clay has a crush on Chelsea I would have thought she and Clay might have something going on. Clay and Ashley have a weird relationship, sometimes they just sit on the couch and stare at each other for hours not breaking contact and not moving not talking and then just like that they both stand and she leaves with not even a good bye or anything.

Clay says she is a really interesting person once you know her. she doesn't really seem all that friendly so I keep to myself when I'm around her. Plus there something about her that makes me feel weird, i think is her eyes there's something about them that unnerves me, so I prefer talking to Chelsea and Sean.

Today we saw one of those indie films Sean likes I can't actually say what it was about but it looked really cool. I sat on the couch between Chelsea and Clay. Remember me to never do that again. They were stealing glances at each other the whole movie. It was totally freaking me out. Everyone knows they like each other, except htem of course. After the movie Clay and Sean started discussing the movie. I love to watch them arguing about underlying messages, plots and whatnot. And then after awhile everyone leaves except for Ashley. she sits on the floor and stares at Clay, and he does the same.

This is the part when I remember that they are his friends and that I don't fit in with them that much either but for a couple of hours I felt like I belonged somewhere. I would love to have a best buddy like my brother do. Glen has Aiden another jockstrap on the team. They spend most of the time fighting but they get along really well. Clay has Ashley and their silent conversations. And me, I have no one.

So i go back to my room. alone.

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